Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Will I won't because you'd better hope I don't..


As of late I find that the last vestiges of any feelings I retain about so many regrets in my past are like ashes thrown into a very turbulent wind but in amongst the ashes I am lucky to find a few remaining hot cinders that sting the hands that set them free. I am comfortable for the large part to agree that this temporal existence is fleeting and often full of regret and sorrow but I have discovered a new and disquieting condition. In shedding the layers of regret and sorrow for the things I've done, undone or simply not done I have looked into the maw of something even worse and that is apathy wrapped in the guise of being powerless.

I often feel powerless but what is worse is the very real danger of becoming apathetic. I have come to see poverty as a reflection of my own declining fortunes, misery of others has simply become fodder to shore up my own belief that we are all doomed by the misdeeds of others and I should just sit down and wait for the Apocalypse. Rather like a primitive Christians in the age of Paul the apostle bearing down to suffer knowing surely that the Christ would return in their age.

I have found things to serve me in my fight with a beating back of the darkness that threatens to swallow me whole and they have worked to a limit but I find all things tire even concepts and propositions. Apathy seems like emotional heroin to me and it is seductive in its promise to rock me in a cradle of quiet indifference.