Sunday, January 31, 2016

A slight return and maudlin musing

Times are tough, the slow slide into chaos has momentum now, and if we survive this storm we are all sure to know someone who won't. I keep thinking it won't be me, I'll survive but the truth is I don't really have any evidence for that. If you don't survive I just want you to know that I'll miss you and hope we'll see one another again.

I've searched for a way out of the chaos and I keep returning to religion as the uneasy answer. What it has done to me is given me something outside of immediate gratification to occupy my waking hours. I spent my time reading The Desert Fathers when I should probably spent more time with the Bible but I've also realized a great value in returning to a more primitive Christianity. The men and women of the desert did not have exhaustive resources and were not often scholars, they were simple and charitable with the overarching ideas of love and forgiveness. I've found meaning in forgiveness. In this age I think we need to offer forgiveness and be forgiven more than anything as we act out in our desperation, fear, and lust for distraction while the world crumbles around us.

Anyway if you got this far you might be thinking something like "What the fuck is he on about?" or "What's the deal?" and I just wanted to say something about how I notice you, I care about your deal, and I hope the hard times ahead don't kill you. I hope you find something that works to keep you alive if you haven't already found it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Will I won't because you'd better hope I don't..

As of late I find that the last vestiges of any feelings I retain about so many regrets in my past are like ashes thrown into a very turbulent wind but in amongst the ashes I am lucky to find a few remaining hot cinders that sting the hands that set them free. I am comfortable for the large part to agree that this temporal existence is fleeting and often full of regret and sorrow but I have discovered a new and disquieting condition. In shedding the layers of regret and sorrow for the things I've done, undone or simply not done I have looked into the maw of something even worse and that is apathy wrapped in the guise of being powerless.

I often feel powerless but what is worse is the very real danger of becoming apathetic. I have come to see poverty as a reflection of my own declining fortunes, misery of others has simply become fodder to shore up my own belief that we are all doomed by the misdeeds of others and I should just sit down and wait for the Apocalypse. Rather like a primitive Christians in the age of Paul the apostle bearing down to suffer knowing surely that the Christ would return in their age.

I have found things to serve me in my fight with a beating back of the darkness that threatens to swallow me whole and they have worked to a limit but I find all things tire even concepts and propositions. Apathy seems like emotional heroin to me and it is seductive in its promise to rock me in a cradle of quiet indifference.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I've got two wings in the closet and that's where they can stay...

In my declining health over the last year or so I've spent an inordinate amount of time ruminating on how I will slip from this life and hopefully into the next. I've been feeling my life had become an ever narrowing set of concentric circles that were suffocating me. The ever present pressure bearing down on me had become intolerable and I formulated a loose yet plausible plan to end my life.... Early this month the pressure just became too much and I was involuntarily committed to care and a stay at the VGH Brief Intervention Unit followed. I am no longer at the unit but I have become an outpatient at VGH and I am enjoying being at home. I am still struggling and I still feel like a deep sea diver who has dived way to deep and the pressure is horrible. What I have gained in the most immediate sense is my will to live. I don't want to die and when I do it won't be graceful nor too soon. I really don't want to die but I also don't want to live a life of diminishing returns till there is nothing left but pain, regret and sorrow. I want to be well and if I can't well I want to be better and even if that it is too much to ask I'll settle for just being able to get through the days. I realize not everyone gets what they want but I believe what I want is plausible if not possible.

I am glad to finally have a diagnosis that entitles me to more than pills and pep talks. I have functioned for so long with determination, brute force and other people have been amazing down through the years helping me, covering for me and giving me space when I needed it but the house of cards I've built around me has finally collapsed. Not unlike coming out as a homosexual this experience has been both liberating and terrifying so please be kind.

Like many people I keep a collection of papers that contain smatterings of song lyrics, poetry, and spoken word musings and I reminded of a lyric I always wanted to finish: "I would rather be a three legged coyote howlin' at the moon than a four legged dog in the pound". It might not win me a Grammy but it sure enough conveys how I am feeling. I am bloodied, frightened and still scared but I am on the run from Death and may He never find me.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I just won't die...

I saw my endocrinologist today for my six month check up and the news is largely positive. I also saw the clinic dietitian and nurse practitioner at the VGH Diabetic Center which I wasn't thrilled about but the nurse was helpful as always and they loaded me down with free samples of Dextro. As usual my visit with the dietitian was as useless as a hangman at a witch burning and almost as unpleasant as both. If I never meet another condescending and smug dietitian it will be too soon.

I am now starting rapid acting insulin before my evening meal and will continue to use NPH, slower acting, insulin before I go to bed every night. Consequently more injection's and even stricter monitoring will be required as the margin for error gets smaller as I refine my dosages and the need to be vigilant against hypoglycemia is a scary reality.

I had a long and involved discussion with the doctor about needing some advocacy with MSP and/or the maker of Liraglutide as I cannot pay the $300 a month required for the prescription. It would mean yet another injection everyday but apparently I am a very suitable candidate for its use especially with my recent news of my steatohepatitis but the provincial drug plan will not cover the cost. I have no doubt that over the progression of my condition I will cost the tax payers hundreds of thousands of dollars and all sorts of people will get paid and the big wheels will keep on turning. I also suspect the cost of denying me the drug will be compounded ten fold when I approach the end game of diabetes with blindness, limb loss or stroke and the associated care costs but the edicts of a false economy continue to be the rule.

The doctors have praised me for my continued compliance with being free of cigarettes for almost two years, massive dietary changes that are reflected in hard facts with my 1AC levels being averaged at 7.1 and my ability to advocate for what I need but the complications keep coming. My bad days now out number my good days and my world continues to get smaller due to poor mobility. My eyesight is still okay but I do need a new pair of glasses and I hope the Ministry will be able to help with the cost.

I have one more specialist appointment this month with the UBC Sleep Disorder Clinic to verify my need for a CPAP machine and hopefully I can get a new one to replace the ailing older model I have that is on it's last legs. My last machine cost me slightly more than $2500 and add to that the cost of the my surgery for my throat and the cost of a good nights sleep is a steep hill to climb...

The cost of a the bullet to end all this comes in at under a dollar but I like to think that I still have something to offer the world and that the race to the finish is still worth running. So next time you see me say hi and tell me your truth because time has suddenly become a very precious commodity that shouldn't be wasted with banality.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Riffin' On A Theme...

It has been a month and some days since I was last here at Wouldn't Mind Dying so here is the update in the mostly happier aspects of my existence. I have been busy making music in the new year and must admit to hearing that all the new songs share a particular sound. Some of the recent addition to the musical diary are Blues For Remo, Slow Boat Blues, Call It Done, Play Me The Fool and All Matter Of Minor. 2011 has had me on a vague sort of swing kick and I think I've maybe got one more tune tapping this vain in me and then it's time to find a new kick. I have been playing alot more harmonica both chromatic and diatonic and both seem like old friends once I pick them up, it has been so many years. My guitar chops are not always what they could have been if I only wasn't interested in so many diverse things but I am happy that I can get what is in my head out through my fingers. I have been playing the bass but it's still a butcher on my right hand so I am going easy but I hope to make some recordings of some blues with me walking the strings...

In other realms life is a constant battle to remain in the present and not fear the future. I have not had much good news thus far in 2011 about a reversal of fortunes with my diabetes and all it's complications but I am active in my treatment. Recent diagnosis of a former Hep B infection and steatohepatitis in the present is hard news combined with worsening pain in my legs and feet but things might yet change for the better with the possible addition of a new medication. Only time will tell and it's all I've got to go with.

The new workshop space is coming along but ill health has slowed down the pace of things and barring any further general problems things should pick up in the spring. I am still moving things and slowly going through my extensive collection of wood and materials so that I can find what I want when I want it. The space is a joy to be in and I often enjoy the company of my friend Harrison while getting things sorted.

That is all for now but the future promises to create more fuel for the fire so till then...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

"Alone with a forest of a million creatures silent and nocturnal and I am still walking alone with the majestic and benevolent Cedars. Alone and without recourse for the future to reach out for the nourishment of the sun and the quenching rain. A solitary journey without deviation of purpose or will, roots and branches will flow from my core and I will return to the Cedars of my youth..."

I wrote this so many years ago and I'm posting it as a keepsake and a valuable lesson learned about the basis of my future.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A way point on a very long journey.

Here is the humble start to yet another workshop in the life of David-Sky. This one promises to make 2011 an interesting year. I have so much to do and make that I almost feel like bursting while dealing with the tedium of moving and setting up again. It is the end of a rather bad year for me and I am glad to see the back of it what with the complications of my diabetes, madness and insecurities but I did manage to create some good music so here is the last music of 2010. While my diabetes status will not change I am happy to report that the carrot of a workshop has made the suffering of walking a thing worth doing despite the agony. The walk to the shop from 1st and Commercial takes me all the way to Slocan and Oxford which is in a neighbourhood called Sunrise East. My health will benefit from the walking and my mental health will no doubt be resurrected by being able to do one of things I feel the happiest doing which is making musical instruments. The workshop is not free, everything in life and death has a price and I've struck a bargain that comes with a cost both financially and emotionally. I have had to even the scales by giving my benefactor some cash every month and considering how little I have it's amazing it can be done at all. This will be my last post of 2010 and I hope that someday someone will read this and understand the struggles I had were not for nothing. I think that I am like so many people without children or large family that simply don't want to be forgotten and want to remembered for the things I did rather than the space I took up in the world. Roll on 2011 and may it be the making of us all...