Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I've got two wings in the closet and that's where they can stay...

In my declining health over the last year or so I've spent an inordinate amount of time ruminating on how I will slip from this life and hopefully into the next. I've been feeling my life had become an ever narrowing set of concentric circles that were suffocating me. The ever present pressure bearing down on me had become intolerable and I formulated a loose yet plausible plan to end my life.... Early this month the pressure just became too much and I was involuntarily committed to care and a stay at the VGH Brief Intervention Unit followed. I am no longer at the unit but I have become an outpatient at VGH and I am enjoying being at home. I am still struggling and I still feel like a deep sea diver who has dived way to deep and the pressure is horrible. What I have gained in the most immediate sense is my will to live. I don't want to die and when I do it won't be graceful nor too soon. I really don't want to die but I also don't want to live a life of diminishing returns till there is nothing left but pain, regret and sorrow. I want to be well and if I can't well I want to be better and even if that it is too much to ask I'll settle for just being able to get through the days. I realize not everyone gets what they want but I believe what I want is plausible if not possible.

I am glad to finally have a diagnosis that entitles me to more than pills and pep talks. I have functioned for so long with determination, brute force and other people have been amazing down through the years helping me, covering for me and giving me space when I needed it but the house of cards I've built around me has finally collapsed. Not unlike coming out as a homosexual this experience has been both liberating and terrifying so please be kind.

Like many people I keep a collection of papers that contain smatterings of song lyrics, poetry, and spoken word musings and I reminded of a lyric I always wanted to finish: "I would rather be a three legged coyote howlin' at the moon than a four legged dog in the pound". It might not win me a Grammy but it sure enough conveys how I am feeling. I am bloodied, frightened and still scared but I am on the run from Death and may He never find me.